Monday, October 23, 2023

Finding my Roots

 

Finding my Roots



It seems like my hair has always been dyed. 

At some point, I just started to hide. 

Starting in sixth grade, when it had to be a bright, bleached blonde- or bust. 

I was so desperately yearning to be like my best friend, I must

fit in

to the mold 

so out with the old

the boxed dye came out- 

and so did the orange tinged fail of tiger stripes throughout. 

My dark eyebrows screamed out so stark 

against the bark 

of the screeching blonde. 


The blonde said: I can be light, I can be bright 

But try with all my might,

I couldn’t fight

the hurt,

I would pretend

I could fit in

desperate to blend in

 at any cost

I was lonely, lost


My dark roots like a secret would sprout. 

The real me could not dare come out. 

Looking back, I was hurt, I look rough

It wasn’t enough


My high school senior year

It was fire engine red.

Screaming out 

I was strong

I’d stay ahead

Approach me with dread,

Mess with me, you’re dead.

Red said: No one dare

I don’t care

But I lied,

I never cried,

It was all power and sex appeal

I don’t feel

I don’t kiss

And I don’t miss

You

Because you can’t hurt me,

If I hurt you first.


My prom pictures show, 

Along with too much purple eyeshadow 

Thin, with orange tan skin

I knew how to hurt, knew how to win

But I couldn’t tell then,

It was all too much.


Time went on, 

my roots continued to grow

Each time not allowing them to show

the colors would change, would ebb and flow

over the years

my roots hinting of all my fears 


Later on, my hair became as black as midnight

I can conquer, I can fight

I know what’s right.

I can handle it all, absorb it like the night


A time of extremes

Living in a vintage dream

I’d silence the screams

By the performance; be bold

Anything meaningful stuck on hold

I wasn’t mean, just cold. 


The black said: I won’t cower

I can build more power

Work more hours

No time for flowers


Red lips, pale skin

I should stand out, not fit in

This is the way to be,

that’s the color, that, could be me

But really I was just trying to achieve 

A new look that still wasn’t me


As my roots grew out and needed a retouch

I was quick to hide them, to shut them up

Kill myself with stress, overexert.

I knew how to hide the hurt


After all the obsession,

The divorce and depression, 

I got curious about my roots-

I needed intercession

What was under all that dye?

What was true, what was a lie?

Finally ready to face my fears,

I hadn’t seen them in over 20 years. 


“My roots don’t matter, the problem isn’t me”

But I decided to try anyway, try to just let it be 

I was ready to finally see 

All the train wrecks

Trying to protect

Myself, face all my crimes

Admit, all my trying times

Terrified to let my roots be exposed, now knowing

But I let it go, let it grow, and they kept growing


Then the memory of the past came back clear

All my hopes, dreams, failures, traumas, fears

First became vibrant & near

Then, slowly fading out

I could finally see my roots growing out


And then came, a hint of light.

Is that blonde coming in, or gray, or white?

Is it too late? 

What will be my fate? I’d just have to wait. 


As my true color started to come around,

I found 

it had spun into a glimmering golden brown

Unlike any other, or another,

It was the real me

This is how I was created to be

a new color had emerged 

I finally knew how to hurt


Now, nothing has touched it

I don’t want to crush it

I don’t need to color

Make it brighter or duller

I don’t need to cover

who I am, a lover

a future mother

& everything else I’m learning to discover.






Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Black and Gold

























































































































Child's Play

Came across this silliness on my computer from last year... here I am in a dress I found in the kids department while out thrifting. No, I didn't actually wear this little ensemble out in public, just apparently had the free time to clown around in this.








































-Jenn


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My 1960s Paper Dress

What an incredible birthday gift I received recently from my husband....an original paper dress from the 1960s- 1966 to be exact! Part of the reason I've been absent lately is that I've been working on a series of articles I am contributing to a new volume of fashion textbooks. I wrote an entry on paper dress of the 1960s and thus when my husband located one of the original dresses produced by Scott Paper Company on eBay, he grabbed it for me!

Wondering what paper dresses are all about? I know I wrote the entry but I'm still slammed :) so check out here and here to learn more. I will say that the dresses are surprisingly sturdy. Please pardon the fold lines as its been folded up for almost 50 years!


























"Paper Caper By SCOTT."  "Your Paper Caper is an all-paper dress and is intended for one time wear only. It is flame resistant but washing, dry cleaning, or soaking will make the dress dangerously flammable when dry." 





















































































Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A Frugal Girl's Guide to Tree-trimming

This will be my husband and I's first Christmas together and we don't have a go-to stash of Christmas decorations and ornaments. I can't bear the thought of purchasing these items at full retail so- I challenged myself to see if we could actually decorate a tree using only items already in the house. I felt confident that if we could stick to whites/silver/gold we couldn't mess up too bad! ( I must reveal that we did already own a few special ornaments and the pretty angel topper- a gift from Therese.)



























Garland= alternating rows of old thrifted lace trim and rows of broken necklaces
Ornaments= existing + metallic drink umbrellas, jewelry (pearls, pendants, brooches, earrings) using a pack of dollar store ornament hooks, fake roses, white feathers from an old hat
Tree skirt= a thrifted 80s full-skirted tulle dress  
Presents under the tree= sequin pillows and a Victorian-look collage chest (holds our DVDs!)





















-Bride & groom ornament for our 1st Christmas (a gift from The Wilson's)
-A cameo from a thrifted dress gets new life adorning a tree branch 
-Metallic drink umbrellas in gold/silver/greens add much needed glitz and glimmer
-Vintage silhouette pictures (a gift from my Aunt Sandy) re-purposed from wall to tree hanging