Finding my Roots
It seems like my hair has always been dyed.
At some point, I just started to hide.
Starting in sixth grade, when it had to be a bright, bleached blonde- or bust.
I was so desperately yearning to be like my best friend, I must
fit in
to the mold
so out with the old
the boxed dye came out-
and so did the orange tinged fail of tiger stripes throughout.
My dark eyebrows screamed out so stark
against the bark
of the screeching blonde.
The blonde said: I can be light, I can be bright
But try with all my might,
I couldn’t fight
the hurt,
I would pretend
I could fit in
desperate to blend in
at any cost
I was lonely, lost
My dark roots like a secret would sprout.
The real me could not dare come out.
Looking back, I was hurt, I look rough
It wasn’t enough
My high school senior year
It was fire engine red.
Screaming out
I was strong
I’d stay ahead
Approach me with dread,
Mess with me, you’re dead.
Red said: No one dare
I don’t care
But I lied,
I never cried,
It was all power and sex appeal
I don’t feel
I don’t kiss
And I don’t miss
You
Because you can’t hurt me,
If I hurt you first.
My prom pictures show,
Along with too much purple eyeshadow
Thin, with orange tan skin
I knew how to hurt, knew how to win
But I couldn’t tell then,
It was all too much.
Time went on,
my roots continued to grow
Each time not allowing them to show
the colors would change, would ebb and flow
over the years
my roots hinting of all my fears
Later on, my hair became as black as midnight
I can conquer, I can fight
I know what’s right.
I can handle it all, absorb it like the night
A time of extremes
Living in a vintage dream
I’d silence the screams
By the performance; be bold
Anything meaningful stuck on hold
I wasn’t mean, just cold.
The black said: I won’t cower
I can build more power
Work more hours
No time for flowers
Red lips, pale skin
I should stand out, not fit in
This is the way to be,
that’s the color, that, could be me
But really I was just trying to achieve
A new look that still wasn’t me
As my roots grew out and needed a retouch
I was quick to hide them, to shut them up
Kill myself with stress, overexert.
I knew how to hide the hurt
After all the obsession,
The divorce and depression,
I got curious about my roots-
I needed intercession
What was under all that dye?
What was true, what was a lie?
Finally ready to face my fears,
I hadn’t seen them in over 20 years.
“My roots don’t matter, the problem isn’t me”
But I decided to try anyway, try to just let it be
I was ready to finally see
All the train wrecks
Trying to protect
Myself, face all my crimes
Admit, all my trying times
Terrified to let my roots be exposed, now knowing
But I let it go, let it grow, and they kept growing
Then the memory of the past came back clear
All my hopes, dreams, failures, traumas, fears
First became vibrant & near
Then, slowly fading out
I could finally see my roots growing out
And then came, a hint of light.
Is that blonde coming in, or gray, or white?
Is it too late?
What will be my fate? I’d just have to wait.
As my true color started to come around,
I found
it had spun into a glimmering golden brown
Unlike any other, or another,
It was the real me
This is how I was created to be
a new color had emerged
I finally knew how to hurt
Now, nothing has touched it
I don’t want to crush it
I don’t need to color
Make it brighter or duller
I don’t need to cover
who I am, a lover
a future mother
& everything else I’m learning to discover.
